doing ME, cuz it's the best i can do..

this is like the 3rd time i've started this particular post. i had to take a break because i seen this big ass red spider crawling on my ceiling and i really did not want it to get lazy, lose its grip, and fall on my bed.. or worse, my head. i couldn't kill it cuz i'm not tall enough to reach the ceiling, so i turned off the lights, left the room [thus leaving this blog half-finished], took a shower.. and when i just came back into the room, the spider is nowhere to be found. so i'm sitting here, hella paranoid that the lil bitch is probably chillin' somewhere in my closet, under my clothes.. or on the floor and i'mma step on it. ughhh.. let's hope it doesn't eat me alive in my sleep tonight.

anyway, i guess i should give ya'll a lil update on my personal life. for those of you who haven't heard yet, ya girl is SINGLE now! it was my decision and had nothing to do with anything ryan did or didn't do. i just came to the realization that i wasn't as invested in our relationship as he was. i started picking fights over bullshit. he's hurting over this, i know, but i gotta do me for a minute. he is truly a GREAT guy, and perhaps one of the BEST men i've ever met and will probably ever know. i love him, but honestly, i'm not in love with him.. and your heart will feel what it feels, and sometimes it unfortunately doesn't agree with what you head wants to feel. i do think tho, if it were a different time.. our relationship probably would have worked, and it probably would have lasted.. and dare i say, lasted FOREVER. but i guess our timing was off.. i don't think i gave myself an opportunity to truly heal from my relationship with trey, and that's where i fucked up. even tho ryan and i didn't become official until nearly a year after i ended things with trey, ryan was still very THERE in my life 7-8 months prior to us becoming official. so i basically had a true 3-4 months of being single. in a way, i feel like ryan became a rebound that happened to last 2.5 years. i'm not saying my feelings for ryan weren't real, because they are.. but at this point in my life, i'm not getting any younger, and if i can't see a future with the man i am in a serious relationship with, i don't need to be in a serious relationship. maybe this ME time might be exactly what i need to show myself that i really DO want to be with ryan, or maybe it will just confirm to me that hey.. it's not where i need to be right now.

as for the dating scene.. i'm really not tryna do it. however, there is this one guy who is definitely tryna change my mind. and i'd be lyin' like a muthafucka if i said i wasn't feelin' him, cuz i am. but i'm not about to jump into nothing serious with nobody right now because it's gonna end up blowing up in my face, and i can't disrespect ryan like that. plus, if dude is real with me about his feelings for me, he'll wait around. i'll see how things progress, and don't worry.. i'll keep ya'll updated.

as for my work life.. same ol' shit. i currently work in the health benefits/insurance industry, and i'll just say.. the types of people i get to deal with on a daily basis are some CHARACTERS, man! i spent a good chunk of my day dealing with this crazy vietnamese woman and an unpaid medical bill from 2006 that had gone to collections.. for an outstanding balance of - get this - $3.52!!! yes, yes.. i kid you not.. this stupid bitch let this claim go to COLLECTIONS over an amount that is not even enough to pay for a gallon of gas! it was a whole bunch of:

crazy bitch: i don't get it. why i have to pay?
me: because it's your co-insurance.
crazy bitch: what! no, why i need to pay? i already pay my premium! why i need co-insurance? don't i have co-pay?
me: yes, you actually have a $20 co-pay for this particular claim, however your insurance processed the claim incorrectly and instead of having you pay a $20 co-pay, they are having you pay co-insurance which comes out to $3.52.
crazy bitch: no, no.. still why i need to pay $3.52? i already have CO-PAY! already paid my PREEEMIUM!!!

DUDE, your premium has nothing to do with your benefits! it still amazes me how many people think just cuz they payin' premiums that they don't need to pay nothing else. ha, i WISH! i was THISCLOSE to just telling this broad, LOOK BITCH.. IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN PAY THE $20 CO-PAY INSTEAD! geeez.. goddamn.. either pay the fuckin' $3.52 that you owe in co-insurance or quit cryin' about it going to collections! i swear to bob i think sometimes these folks purposely try to make other people's jobs harder than it needs to be, ha.

this is all you're getting from me today. and i still haven't seen that damn spider..

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY EVERY DAY, BITCH!

YUP, that's right.. ya girl is 25 today! damn.. where the hell did the years go. 25 sounds so fuckin' GROWN. ever since i turned 21, i find myself getting all down around my birthday each year.. i don't WANT to be another year older! then i realize.. on my 50th birthday, i'mma WISH i was turning 25! so i might as well suck it up and enjoy it. :) since it's thursday, i can't celebrate my birthday the way i want today.. but i will be this weekend! cuz it's my muthafuckin' birthday every damn day!

dude.. i have GOT to move outta this place as soon as my lease is up. the people who live in this complex are some characters, i tell ya! last night, i was awakened in the middle of the goddamn night by some bitch ass muthafucka standing outside screaming on his phone at his girl, some broad named jimena. all i heard for a good 45 mins was:

guy: why do you always make me look bad in front of your girls? YES, you do! oh my god, jimena, you DO! all the muthafuckin' time!
..
guy: where the fuck are you right now? see, you're out.. and i'm at home! i'm at home tryna work shit out with you! and your ass is out.
..
guy: i call your mom because i can never get a hold of you to talk this out! that's why i call your momma! c'mon, jimena.. don't be like that.. no, what? WHAT THE HELL.. cuz i muthafuckin' LOVE yo' ass, girl!
..
guy: you know what then.. you can come back and get your damn things and get the fuck out!
..
guy: wait, look.. i'm sorry. why do you treat me like shit all the time? damn, jimena.. why??????

DUDE, i will tell you why your girl jimena don't wanna be with you. cuz you WHINE and CRY like a bitch. fellas.. if ya'll gon' air your dirty laundry in the middle of the night for half of the building to hear, please man up and tell your girl some shit like, "don't worry about it.. i'll have your shit packed and outside the door when you get back!" don't threaten to kick her out and then apologize and ask her why she treats you like animal. forreals, if you gon' act like a bitch, please bitch it out in the privacy of your own damn home.

ughhh.. yes, i am so tired of all the inconsiderate bastards who live in this complex, making noise at all hours of the morning AND night. clearly you don't have a job, but other folks do and we NEED OUR MUTHAFUCKIN' SLEEP! that's why ya'll get the late rent notice on your door each month. tsk, tsk. grown ass folks with 5 kids and a new SUV, but no money to pay the rent. damn shame.

anyway, that's all the "write" i have in me right now.. i'll try to update on a regular basis. i really do need to get back into blogging mode.

popping my cherry..

my blogging cherry that is! it feels like losing my virginity, but with less nervousness and pain.

YAY i'm back to writing.. i'm excited. i'll prolly get like 3 readers on this shit.. but i don't give a damn. i've been on a blogging hiatus, mainly because i've been so busy with work and the drama in my life has died down since i graduated.

anyway.. i'm still tryna get used to how to navigate around this site.. this shit is real complicated, man. too many buttons and options and links.. but i'll figure this out.

i'll be back later to write more!