doing ME, cuz it's the best i can do..

this is like the 3rd time i've started this particular post. i had to take a break because i seen this big ass red spider crawling on my ceiling and i really did not want it to get lazy, lose its grip, and fall on my bed.. or worse, my head. i couldn't kill it cuz i'm not tall enough to reach the ceiling, so i turned off the lights, left the room [thus leaving this blog half-finished], took a shower.. and when i just came back into the room, the spider is nowhere to be found. so i'm sitting here, hella paranoid that the lil bitch is probably chillin' somewhere in my closet, under my clothes.. or on the floor and i'mma step on it. ughhh.. let's hope it doesn't eat me alive in my sleep tonight.

anyway, i guess i should give ya'll a lil update on my personal life. for those of you who haven't heard yet, ya girl is SINGLE now! it was my decision and had nothing to do with anything ryan did or didn't do. i just came to the realization that i wasn't as invested in our relationship as he was. i started picking fights over bullshit. he's hurting over this, i know, but i gotta do me for a minute. he is truly a GREAT guy, and perhaps one of the BEST men i've ever met and will probably ever know. i love him, but honestly, i'm not in love with him.. and your heart will feel what it feels, and sometimes it unfortunately doesn't agree with what you head wants to feel. i do think tho, if it were a different time.. our relationship probably would have worked, and it probably would have lasted.. and dare i say, lasted FOREVER. but i guess our timing was off.. i don't think i gave myself an opportunity to truly heal from my relationship with trey, and that's where i fucked up. even tho ryan and i didn't become official until nearly a year after i ended things with trey, ryan was still very THERE in my life 7-8 months prior to us becoming official. so i basically had a true 3-4 months of being single. in a way, i feel like ryan became a rebound that happened to last 2.5 years. i'm not saying my feelings for ryan weren't real, because they are.. but at this point in my life, i'm not getting any younger, and if i can't see a future with the man i am in a serious relationship with, i don't need to be in a serious relationship. maybe this ME time might be exactly what i need to show myself that i really DO want to be with ryan, or maybe it will just confirm to me that hey.. it's not where i need to be right now.

as for the dating scene.. i'm really not tryna do it. however, there is this one guy who is definitely tryna change my mind. and i'd be lyin' like a muthafucka if i said i wasn't feelin' him, cuz i am. but i'm not about to jump into nothing serious with nobody right now because it's gonna end up blowing up in my face, and i can't disrespect ryan like that. plus, if dude is real with me about his feelings for me, he'll wait around. i'll see how things progress, and don't worry.. i'll keep ya'll updated.

as for my work life.. same ol' shit. i currently work in the health benefits/insurance industry, and i'll just say.. the types of people i get to deal with on a daily basis are some CHARACTERS, man! i spent a good chunk of my day dealing with this crazy vietnamese woman and an unpaid medical bill from 2006 that had gone to collections.. for an outstanding balance of - get this - $3.52!!! yes, yes.. i kid you not.. this stupid bitch let this claim go to COLLECTIONS over an amount that is not even enough to pay for a gallon of gas! it was a whole bunch of:

crazy bitch: i don't get it. why i have to pay?
me: because it's your co-insurance.
crazy bitch: what! no, why i need to pay? i already pay my premium! why i need co-insurance? don't i have co-pay?
me: yes, you actually have a $20 co-pay for this particular claim, however your insurance processed the claim incorrectly and instead of having you pay a $20 co-pay, they are having you pay co-insurance which comes out to $3.52.
crazy bitch: no, no.. still why i need to pay $3.52? i already have CO-PAY! already paid my PREEEMIUM!!!

DUDE, your premium has nothing to do with your benefits! it still amazes me how many people think just cuz they payin' premiums that they don't need to pay nothing else. ha, i WISH! i was THISCLOSE to just telling this broad, LOOK BITCH.. IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN PAY THE $20 CO-PAY INSTEAD! geeez.. goddamn.. either pay the fuckin' $3.52 that you owe in co-insurance or quit cryin' about it going to collections! i swear to bob i think sometimes these folks purposely try to make other people's jobs harder than it needs to be, ha.

this is all you're getting from me today. and i still haven't seen that damn spider..